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To Love Someone, Do You Really Need to Love Yourself First?
Conventional wisdom about love and relationships can be more myth than reality.
Itās become commonplace to proclaim that truly loving another depends on first loving yourself. But just how warranted is this maxim? Is it supported by science or academic research? Or is it little more than folk wisdomāor maybe, pseudo-wisdom? Iāve sought to track down any authoritative studies on this so-intriguing topic . . . and come up with nothing.
I could be wrong here, but itās always felt to me like one of those aphorisms thatās accepted as valid primarily because it sounds valid. And the truism does exude a tone of wise, loving self-compassion. It seems completely reasonable that we canāt really know love until we experience it from withināfor ourselves. But might this all somehow be begging the question?
Given my professional role as a psychologist for the past 30+ years, Iāve come, empirically, to a rather different conclusion about self-love. To me, itās extremely unlikely that without the ability to love oneself a person can ever be happy. That is, whatās necessary and sufficientānot for loving another but for a state of inner contentment and well-beingāis healthy self-love and acceptance. For it only makes sense that if youāre not on very good terms with yourself, youāre not going to be happy with life generally.
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