wrote a short story what do u think

Road trip.
It was February 12, 2017, in Beaumont California. And my one-week break was coming up. And I wanted to do something with my family, I didn`t want to just sit on the couch all day. Therefore, I decided to plan a road trip for my family and myself. So the whole day I kept wondering where we should go. Then I got it, we should go to New York! So I told my parents about the trip and after bugging them about it for at least four hours, they finally said yes. So everybody started packing for are trip to New York.
The day for are trip came and I was so excited. Once we were in the car me and my siblings got are electronics out, but then my mom made us turn them in because she said that we all had to learn how to communicate with each other not through are electronics. Well doing that had literally ruined the trip for my siblings and me. So we all just decided to put are windows down and just enjoy the fresh air. A little while later, we stopped to get some gas. While my dad was putting gas and everyone else was stretching my somehow my little sister got the keys and hid them. When we realized everyone freaked out. I felt so bad, I felt like it was my fault because if I never would have planned this trip everyone would have been happy and we would of probably still have a car with keys. So I apologized to everyone. But my parents said it was not my fault and they said that we are going to have the best trip ever. So to start the car we had to hot-wire it which took a while because it was the first time my dad did it. Once the car started we all got in and continued our trip.

i have not finished but what do you think?
does something need to be fixed?
do you understand it?
any ideas?

Question

22-12-2017
English

contestada

wrote a short story what do u think

Road trip.
It was February 12, 2017, in Beaumont California. And my one-week break was coming up. And I wanted to do something with my family, I didn`t want to just sit on the couch all day. Therefore, I decided to plan a road trip for my family and myself. So the whole day I kept wondering where we should go. Then I got it, we should go to New York! So I told my parents about the trip and after bugging them about it for at least four hours, they finally said yes. So everybody started packing for are trip to New York.
The day for are trip came and I was so excited. Once we were in the car me and my siblings got are electronics out, but then my mom made us turn them in because she said that we all had to learn how to communicate with each other not through are electronics. Well doing that had literally ruined the trip for my siblings and me. So we all just decided to put are windows down and just enjoy the fresh air. A little while later, we stopped to get some gas. While my dad was putting gas and everyone else was stretching my somehow my little sister got the keys and hid them. When we realized everyone freaked out. I felt so bad, I felt like it was my fault because if I never would have planned this trip everyone would have been happy and we would of probably still have a car with keys. So I apologized to everyone. But my parents said it was not my fault and they said that we are going to have the best trip ever. So to start the car we had to hot-wire it which took a while because it was the first time my dad did it. Once the car started we all got in and continued our trip.

i have not finished but what do you think?
does something need to be fixed?
do you understand it?
any ideas?

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tiaxoxo28 tiaxoxo28 · Answer 1 · 2018-01-03T20:08:01+01:00

Honest Feedback
1. In the beginning of the extract, one or more sentences began with 'And' - no sentence should start with 'and', 'because' or 'or'.
2. You said 'are' instead of 'our' in two places or more.
3. My siblings and I, not me and my siblings.
4. Try to use more imaginative vocabulary and descriptive imagery.
5. Avoid repeating words such as 'So' or 'I'.
6. "my somehow my little sister got the keys and hid them"
7. The vocabulary you have used is informal and to really add the 'wow' factor, try using more sophisticated language.
The plot and story line is clear, maybe a bit too basic. Try to describe your surroundings more, experiment with different sentence types and (as previously mentioned) go for language of a higher standard. :)